trying to remember lost dreams.

Its feels a bit weird, now that this blog KIND OF has an actual purpose. Not that that really means anything….

Okay, dreams…

My dreams have been weird lately. Only in the sense that they’re not how they usually are. Usually, my dreams are crazy vivid, and I remember my dreams every morning. But lately…I can vaguely remember having a dream, but I never remember what it is….thats depressing. I’ve always loved being able to remember my dreams. I hope that comes back. :[

While i'm blogging though, I can tell you about a couple of my dreams that stand out in my memory most. For whatever reason..

This one is kind of disturbing. Definitely one of my scarier dreams. In my dream...we were going to my mother's funeral. Only, she wasn't dead. She was going with us...to her funeral. Me, being the inquisitive person I am, asked, "Mom, why are we going to your funeral? ....you're not dead." Her answer? "Yes, but i'm going to be."

She explained to me that she was going to kill herself once she got there. I, of course, freaked out. I was like "Why?! Why do that? You can't do that!!"

she says "Meh, it's okay. I'm just going to die."

So, she wasn't dying for any particular reason. And she was completely nonchalant about it. The creepier part was, so was the rest of my family. None of them could figure out why I was freaking out. They all just went with it, in kind of a bored way. I was the only one to realize that it was complete insanity. So, I started crying and screaming and freaking out, begging her not to, and telling her she was crazy. And she just shrugged it off. I remember trying to reason with her, saying "Luke and Lacey (my older brother and sister--twins) have been able to have you their first two years of college, so its only fair that I get to have you my first two years too!" (this was the summer before I started college).

Well, that wasn't logic enough for her. And then I woke up.

That one kind of haunted me for a while. And there are more. But, I kind of don't have time right now..I have to hurry and pack, so I can skip class and get home early for the weekend.

:]

Yeah yeah yeah. I’m skipping class. Sue me. Its one class. Its at two. And its noon now. I really don’t want to wait around until then. I just want to be home.

Ba ba ba, ba Barbara Ann.

Why helloo….Wordpress. And every one who doesn’t read my blogs. How are you?

I don’t think anyone has read my blogs yet. At all. …a bit disheartening….but I still come on here and talk to myself. Actually, I don’t blame anybody. I really never have anything to say. Poop.

Okay, so I have some new aspirations in life. Some new goals.

1. I am going to learn to juggle. Mmhmm. Once I, you know, get something that works a little better than apples…..yeah…not too great on dorm room tile flooring. eek.

2. I am going to learn how to play the piano. And when I do….I’m going to learn how to play: Comptine d’un autre été: L’après-midi. Because I saw a video on youtube of somebody playing it. And I kind of fell in love with it. Too beautiful.

I’m going to cut into my list for one second to say that my roommate will NOT STOP TALKING. She never does. And shes talking right now. Something about a musical. I never even pretend to pay attention, but she still keeps on talking….its like a superpower. Only its not….good….it does nothing to better mankind. She even talks nonstop when I have my ipod in. Yepp. True story. This….is what I have to deal with.

3. I am going to write a novel. I don’t know what about. But I am….when I….eventually get a good enough idea….hmm..the thing is, i’m not too creative. I wish I was. But alas, I am not……damn modern school system. Robbing children of creativity.

I have a giant math exam at 2. Its 12:30 right now. My roommate is still talking. Holy hell. I should be studying. But instead….i’m here. Hmm.

Lightbulb. You know what? Some people use blogs for projects. For documenting some kind of experiment in their lives. Like…on the movie Julie and Julia. Like that…….and…surprisingly, a lot of books come from dreams. Well, a lot of ideas come from dreams. I have a lot of dreams. Vivid vivid. So…I should use this blog as a dream journal. And eventually, maybe I can extract a good idea for a book. Maybe.  Hmm….yes.

It won’t be one of those hokey dream analyzing things….none of that crap. Just simply something to keep track of them. And pull ideas from them. Maybe turning it into a blog will help me motivate myself to actually do it. Hm.

Yes. :]

…what was my dream last night?………………ummm…….I don’t….remember…..damn.

anyways. Thanks for not reading my blogs, world. Appreciate it.

I was shakin’ in my shoes, could never slip past those baby blues.

They’re playing Centerfold outside. Great, great song. :]

I probably got that one line wrong. Hah. Oh well. I’m attempting to study for my GEP midterm right now. What is GEP you may ask? Well. I think it stands for….umm…okay, I tried to come up with something that would tell you that GEP is the most useless class on the planet. I don’t know what it actually stands for. But it’s basically the “welcome to college” class. It. Ba-lows. SO stupid. Who writes this stuff? I’m going through my “textbook” and it says “in order to succeed in college you must F.O.C.U.S.” Focus, standing for Fit, Owning it, Concrete, Useful, and Stretch. No, I did not make that one up. I ask again..Who comes up with this stuff?! And more importantly…why the hell am I paying to learn it? Pointless. Ugh.

Okay. Inbetween the last paragraph and now, I stopped writing to continue to study for GEP. And now i’m no longer in a good mood. Like I was earlier…though you probably couldn’t tell, haha. I’m just….sad, now. Life has got me down. I miss home. Actually…I just miss the past. Why can’t I just rewind to when I was 9, and pause there, for eternity? That’d be nice.

Oh, and this blog is pointless. As all of mine are. Not that it matters. My blogs don’t get read. So why would it matter if my blog had a point or not?

You know…sometimes I really hate myself. Like now. Why am I me? Being me sucks. Not to say that i’m not a very blessed person, but…like I said…sometimes, I just hate myself…My head hurts. I’m tired.

moo.

whacking some whack back into place.

So i’ve been at college for about four weeks now. And I have to tell you. My headache is so bad right now that i feel like my head is splitting. The girl living across the hall has a laugh that makes me want to shoot myself in the foot. I can hear it through two closed doors.  I have an unbelievable amount of school work to do 24/7. I’m a socially awkward person and I still don’t know anyone here well enough to talk to about anything that’s getting me down. And above all: I miss home. I miss home, more than anything. And i’m four hours away.

So: college…is not what I expected. Everyone around me is loving it. completely completely loving it. And I just…don’t. And for the past four weeks, i’ve been in a real funk. I’ve been stressed from school. I’ve been lonely. I’ve missed my home to the point that it physically hurts. I’ve been confused. And out of whack. But right now. I’ve had a realization.

Its not a big realization…just a little dollop of hope and comfort. That no matter what. I will always have home. I will always have an amazingly incredible family to fall back on. And this won’t last forever. I’ll be home again soon. I’ll be back with my wonderful family, in my wonderful hometown (that, ironically, I thought I hated. Until I left it. Now, it really seems like the best place in the world).

And.

In the meantime. I just have to grin and bare it. And maybe if I keep my head up, I might find I actually enjoy this thing called college. Maybe.

Okay. Now that I got the whole inspirational realization part of the blog out of my system and out of the way. Can we please discuss something a little bit more…i don’t know. Pressing?

Why the hell don’t I like college? Whats wrong with me? Does anybody know? Does anybody reading this (not that anyone actually DOES read this) have any similar experiences and would like to share? Everyone around me is having a blast. Why is my experience so different? I don’t get it. Why am I not enjoying this? Why can’t I wait to go home? I thought college was supposed to be this huge “best years of your life” experience. These have not been the best couple weeks of my life. In fact, they’ve been more on the “meh” side. And once again. Why am I living across the hall from the girl with the most obnoxious laugh EVER?! Somebody needs to explain this to me.

One more thing. I know that no matter how I feel about it, college is a great privilege. Its an opportunity that alot of people don’t get to have. I know this. And for that reason, i’m trying not to complain TOO much. I know that I am blessed beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. Not only with the opportunity to go to college. But i’ve been realizing ALOT lately that I really could not have asked for a better family. I can’t even imagine a better family. They’re simply amazing. And I miss them terribly.

Now. Time to break my brain over psychology homework.

blacksheep

when will i feel like i belong here?

As the eloquent young pilgrims pass.

And here i am. At college. Its my third day. Classes start tomorrow. I just got my books.

I miss home so much. I wish i could be there right now, just sitting on the porch swing, watching the horses graze or sitting in my living room watching a movie with Lacey. College is so..different. Everyone around me seems to be having a blast. I just feel so…out of place. First of all, because i’m pretty much socially awkward. And i don’t care anymore. I embrace it. Its who i am. But who i am isn’t making very many friends. I know its only the third day and classes haven’t even started yet, I know its early. But i’ve already met people, my floor had a “floor dinner”. I didn’t really hit it off with anyone on my floor. They’re all nice, i guess. We didn’t really talk that much. They all talked to each other, i tried to be social, but honestly, the girls on my floor aren’t the people i really see myself being close to. The whole dinner they just gossiped and were like “ohmyGOOZZZ”. those kind of girls. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t fit it with that. And i’m okay with that. I guess i’d rather be a loner than change who i am to fit in with everyone else. I miss my friends back home. I miss Kelly. And Lydia. And Connor and Courtney and Cheeto. I do have one friend here.  But we went to highschool together, so does that count? There was a welcoming rally last night that we were supposed to go to together, but then she texted me and said she was going to a frat party instead if i wanted to come. So i did. Its was…an experience. I didn’t drink, but she did, which is fine. I don’t have a problem with other people drinking. I’ve drank on occasion, but i’ve only been drunk once. I don’t drink alot. I don’t really expect that to change in college.

This blog is boring. I just felt like i had to do something…familiar. If that makes sense. And although i don’t blog alot, its something i still did at home. And i miss home. So here i am. Writing a blog about how i miss home. I’m pathetic. I  hope these two weeks go fast. I want to go home now. I don’t think i fit in here.

Hopefully that will change.

read.

okay, so my last post wasn’t exactly happy…but whatever. i needed to rant. how do you stop feeling angry about something like that? its almost four months later and it still makes me so mad…thats probably not a good thing…i’m am SO glad i’m going to college in two weeks, getting out of this TOWN. ahhhh :] i’m so ready for this to all seem so far away.

i’m leaving for Ireland tomorrow…..Holy Excited. i still can’t believe it….   my cousin is taking me for a graduation trip. i’ve just packed my suitcase, i could barely close it. haha :] i didn’t expect to pack that much stuff.

okay, hayley, where is this blog going? eh…who knows.. i’m just typing just to type, i guess. okay. heres something. a purpose to this blog. does anyone actually read my blogs? i’ve gotten a couple views, but i’m curious as to whether those people actually read any of my posts. so, if somebody, anybody, is reading this, PLEASE leave a comment. just saying “hey..i read this.” even if you don’t like my posts, if you think i’m really dumb or boring, if you completely hated it. even then, just tell me that you read it. please? i just really want to know if anyone reads this, or if i am just really talking to myself.

so, if you read this….tell me so!

:]